Hurting and jealous

It hurts to know that I will never see you again here on Earth.
It hurts to know I wasn't there to say goodbye.
It just hurts.

I'll miss you Linda.
I will miss your fellow love of chocolate.
I will miss your kindness and love.

I'll miss your laughter.

I'll miss your stories.

I'll miss camping with you.

I thought you could pull through.
I've seen miracles before.
I don't understand why God didn't heal your cancer.

I just know that you aren't hurting anymore.
I can hardly wait to see you.
In the meantime, I'll just be jealous of all the time God gets to spend with you.

silence

During prayer today I realized how many horrible things are happening in the lives of my friends. I see so many people every day, but I rarely know what burdens they are carrying with them.

The death of a grandpa.
A grandma going into kidney failure.
Coming back from a missions trip and not quite sure how to deal with this new information.

What's going on with this world? Has it become more insane lately, or have I just opened up my eyes? Cancer, genocide, modern-day slavery, child soldiers, earthquakes and tsunamis. I was so overwhelmed  tonight that after chapel drama, I decided to go to the prayer room. And I couldn't even pray I had no words. So I sat there in silence. I can't help these people. How can I? I'm only a girl with a smile, and sometimes a half-hearted one at that. What can I do?

hair decides work level

Once I put my hair up, and decide to work at my desk instead of reading in my bed, you know that I mean business. It's time to do some serious homework.

awkward

defines my life. I just can’t help it, just seems to radiate off of me. And when I try not to be awkward, it just makes it worse. Have you ever witnessed an awkward nerd try to not be themselves? It’s not a pretty sight.


Disclaimer: I love being awkward. Also, doesn't the word awkward even look awkward?! It never had a chance. 

I have come to the conclusion that I am forevermore doomed to be awkward. Care to know why? I like awkward boys. Michael Cera? Jesse Eisenberg? I thoroughly enjoy their interviews solely for the reason with how awkward they are. Maybe one day I’ll get lucky and get a cross between Cary Grant and Urkel.

sick

bronchitis + fever + chills + deep coughing + searing pain in throat  = ouch

What I Learned In School

Well, today at least.

Creativity is required to have self-confidence in your work. Without it, you probably just won't make anything. And if you do, it won't be something you are incredibly proud of. However, once you have creativity you will actually WANT to do work. When you have that grand idea, all you want to do is just that and not be bothered by other little things...like eating or sleeping. Hey, if the idea is great enough, I might even skip a meal [food is a great passion of mind]. But once that creativity is flowing and you create work you are proud of, you want to make more. And of course your confidence is boosted.

Creativity à Self-confidence.

Took me 4 1/2 years of college but I finally found the key.

Pride

I have been so incredibly prideful.

I haven't read the Bible consistently in, well I'm going to be blatantly honest....I haven't read it on a consistent basis for about a year. Horrible, right? How could I put God on a shelf? What right do I have to do that? NONE. Yet, all this time I have considered myself a pretty humble person. I read a book on humility once. That should be enough, right? Oy, the longer I live the more I realize I have to learn and re-learn.

Will I ever figure out life?

How I Brought Bread Into Existence

I learned how to make bread today! I was about to make my amazing carmel rolls, had the yeast done [i still don't always get it to rise properly] and had the milk scalded. Then, the unfortunate happened. There were no eggs in the fridge! I had checked all the ingredients aside from the obvious things a kitchen should have before I started, because well...let's face it, there isn't a grocery store for at least 30 miles. I frantically searched for two eggs. I dashed to the fridge downstairs with hopes high. No eggs. I called neighbors looking for donors. [really i just dialed my aunt but she wasn't home sadly] I resumed my quest for eggs. Oh, how I wish we still had chickens!! I even looked in the freezer. By this time, I was mad with cooking fury.

Then I gave up. Took the pot off the burner. Went back to boring dishes. "My day is just RUINED," I thought. What a terrible way to start the day! But then Betty Crocker started whispering ideas to me. I looked up bread recipes. I had never made bread before. Rolls, sure, but BREAD?! How intimidating. All I could think of was Grandma's Bread and never being able to measure up to that standard. But I was desperate. What could I lose? I already had the yeast done, and the milk scalded. Might as well put it to good use.

And VOILA!

Two loaves were born.

I promise it was two, but I didn't take pictures until after the boys got back from school and basketball practice. I'll let you in on a little secret. Teenage boys like to eat. A lot.

Ah, this is the life.

Lazy afternoons and chai tea.

I Don't Feel So United

It was an early morning, fraught with excitement of going home. The crisp air bit at my cheeks, but I didn't care. I was able to go home. When I arrived at O'Hare, the excitement grew as I saw the terminal for United Airlines. I love traveling, especially being in the airport. Then, my troubles began.

sidenote: I was quite jealous of my roomie who arrived home sooner than me. [she lives in The Netherlands, whereas I am just a two hour flight away from home]

My flight is delayed....hm. Well, that's not a big problem. Only by 15 minutes.

See all that yellow? CANCELED flights.

I had to go in a separate line for delayed and cancelled flights. I soon found out why they were bunched together. I got a text from my lovely room-mate saying that my flight was cancelled. [There is only one flight to Bismarck a day, mind you.] As well as the flight to Fargo. Despite the odds, I remained hopeful.

Perhaps, I can fly to Denver, and make a connection there.

Wrong.

After an hour and a half of waiting in line, and talking with John Greenford and his wife who were on their way to Green Bay, I was able to tell an agent my dilemma. He searched, but nothing was found except for the following schedule: O'Hare to Seattle, to La Guardia (New York), to Denver, to some other city, to Bismarck. I was not willing to take that much risk of a) losing my luggage and b) of not having a place to sit for every flight.

And then I realized I would be coming back in less than 24 hours.

Will the lines be better tomorrow?

To which the agent slightly laughed. However, he reprinted my boarding pass and I will be waiting in a much shorter line. 12 hours from now I will be back in O'Hare. I am keeping my fingers crossed until I get through security.

TOMS!

My first pair of TOMS came in the mail today! I was so excited =) I was wanting these shoes, but they were all sold out in my size. So I went with a classic :)

lifehouse, scouting for girls, daughtry

music from bands that I could listen to over and over. I could listen to anything from these bands all day. Most artists I just like a couple, but these guys are all phenomenal. In fact, as I was writing this post, I finally bought the one album of Scouting for Girls that is on iTunes. [come on guys, get it together, put more up!]

lifehouse

scouting for girls

daughtry

in one week....

i will be home
i will be freezing my face off
i will be practically trampled as I get hugged by my family at the airport
and i will be loving it.

Handle with care.

Life seems to be such a common aspect of everyday...well, life. When it is threatened, I am always surprised by it. Tonight there was a car accident at Judson, and two of the guys are in the hospital. The Judson community came to the chapel to pray for everyone involved in the accident. I was surprised at how many were there. Despite a lot of students being gone for the Harry Potter midnight premiere and it being so late, the chapel was filled with students. I was amazed at the response. I really shouldn't be though. Judson is an amazing community.

taken with a friend's phone at chapel.

After prayer from the President, we prayed in groups. Now, I rarely cry. I have gotten better at it, but just don't cry. I don't even know these boys who were in the accident, but tears were streaming down my face while we prayed and sang songs. One of the songs was Heart of Worship. Some students talked about how trials can help bring people closer to God. Lately I haven't been focusing my priorities on God. Tonight made me realize how fragile life really is. I could be gone tomorrow, or in 80 years.

When the music fades 

And all is stripped away 

And I simply come 

Longing just to bring 

Something that's of worth 

That will bless your heart 

I'll bring You more than a song 

For a song in itself 

Is not what You have required 

You search much deeper within 

Through the ways things appear 

You're looking into my heart 

I'm coming back to the heart of worship 

And it's all about You 

All about You, Jesus 

I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it 

When it's all about You 

It's all about You Jesus 

King of endless worth 

No one could express 

How much You deserve 

Though I'm weak and poor 

All I have is Yours 

Every single breath 

I'll bring You more than just a song 

For a song in itself 

Is not what You have required 

You search much deeper within 

Through the way things appear 

You're looking into my heart 

I'm coming back to the heart of worship 

And it's all about You 

All about You, Jesus 

I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it 

When it's all about You 

It's all about You Jesus 

Its all about you 

Jesus 

Please pray for everyone involved, but especially for Nick Schlegel, Derek Radesky, their families. Pray for peace. Pray for understanding. Pray for love.

Chicago

I went into Chicago in the beginning of November with three of my friends--I saw and heard a lot of interesting things. We were asking people if they thought God was real. The answers were always fascinating, especially one guy that was stranded in Chicago with no way to make money to get back home in Vegas. But for me, the most memorable moment happened very quickly. I saw a man digging through the garbage. I didn't really think much of it, but continued to watch as we walked by [people fascinate me] Right before I looked away, he pulled out a drink from a place like Sbarro. And he started drinking from it. I was so incredibly shocked. But it made me realize how incredibly blessed I am. There I was, walking around with an awesome camera and with friends from a school that I am blessed to be able to go to.

Yet, I complain.

Incessantly.

About the cafeteria food
About having "nothing" to wear
About too much homework

About having too much stuff

About not having enough time
About nothing
About everything

I am blessed and I tend to forget that.

The Banana Incident

Do I have a story for you! There I was, sitting on my bed, editing pictures. Harmless, right? WRONG. If you have a Dutch room-mate, that is. Now, like I said, I was just working and being completely innocent [it's a stretch, but also the truth]. Suddeny, out of nowhere, a banana is flung at my bed. I look up to see an evil grin from said Dutch room-mate. I am shocked. Usually so is so sweet and kind [lies!]. I pick up the banana because I care for it. Then, I discover the worst part. It's a banana split! After this knowledge, I decided to document it.

After this documentation, I decided consuming the evidence would be wise. But then a song came on and I started dancing. That's when the top half of the banana fell off--into Anne's garbage. I then fell to the floor in laughter. After which I tried to eat the other half but accidentally dropped it on the floor. And then I dropped the banana peel in Anne's garbage.

Justice.

Served.

last challenge day.

Day 26- What you think about your friends?

• they are insane and get cranky when they need sleep (quite similar to me)

Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge?

• why not?

Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?

--------all of my pictures are needing to be relocated in another folder :'(

Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned?

• i need to take better care of my body. [it's falling apart...teeth, knee, etc]

Day 30- Who are you?

• I am way too tired to answer this question effectively tonight [yes, I am dodging the question with an excuse]

22-25

Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else?'

• i'm not that original. everyone else? really? is that even possible? please. i know people like to think they are completely unique and different, but the truth is no one is. [sorry, but it's true] we're all human, and we all have our weird tendencies. some are just a little more boring, and some are just insane.

Day 23- Something you crave for a lot.

• chipotle (i have decided to eat there less, too much of my money goes there. sadness)

Day 24- A letter to your parents.

• Dear Mom and Dad, I would appreciate money for my addiction (see number 23). Thanks a heap. Oh, you should skype me. How is Scott doing? [blog readers: he was in a 4-wheeler accident, but he is ok now] I wouldn't mind money for gas either. Okay, well I shall anxiously await your response. Sincerely, your one and only loving daughter, (nothing like putting on pressure to reimburse your addiction) Megan

Day 25- What I would find in your bag?

• 3 musketeers wrapper
• billfold
• homework
• random lint
• pens and highlighters
• a book
• depends on the day, my d-slr

Have you seen my aspirations?

I used to have so many goals for my life. Plans, aspirations. But lately, I have just become so very melancholy almost. Lack luster, boring, feeling "ehhh." I tend to blame this on school. Sounds like a good excuse right. The academic institution is sucking away my soul. Right, RIGHT? If I'm truthful with myself (which I really need to do more) I need to face the music that it's me. I've let myself get to this place. I've let myself just go through the motions. I am finally comfortable at Judson, and really know who I am (do you truly ever know who you are?). Is it good to be comfortable? When I get comfortable, that means changing out of my pretty clothes and into sloppy sweatpants. And in general, I just don't care how I look. When I first came to Judson, I took tons of pictures, always had my camera with me. In some ways, I think I was more outgoing back then. What happened? No idea.

I used to write short stories all the time when I was in high school. Since college, I've really just put those thoughts out of my mind. "I am a general art major, why should I write?" Guess what Megan, other things can inspire you. You don't have to do solely artsy things. (personally though, i think writing is a pretty artsy thing to do)

Well enough talk about all these things I used to do. It is time to do fun things again. I've made lists of things I want to do with my life before, but I think it's something interesting to look back on.

• continue to wear hats
• travel to [and across] Europe
• elaborate my short stories, maybe write a novel
• crochet instead of waste time on the internet
• cry more
• fall in love
• give grace to people that aggravate me
• learn to swim
• sketch, even if the drawings are terrible
• take pictures, all the time
• talk to people [be a social human being]
• expand my vocabulary
• teach myself French

Days 20, 21

Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future.

• puts God first above all, even me


• humble


• servant's heart


• chivalrous


• encouraging


• un-manipulative (is that really a word?)

Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy.

TOMS. this is an organization that gives a kid a pair of shoes every time you purchase a pair for yourself. In addition, these shoes will help to fund three new clean water wells in Ethipoia. The shoes are really expensive, but so worth it. I'm thinking of getting my first pair for Christmas.